July 2017 | 11 Subscribe today at juniorgolfmag.net BY JON GORDON Play Golf to Develop and Grow, Not Just Win I had been a lacrosse player at Cornell Uni- versity and received recognition and praise through sports. My identity was tied to my performance. Later, as a parent of a daugh- ter who played lacrosse and a son who played tennis, I was still tying my identity to perfor- mance, but now it was theirs that mattered. Frustrated when they didn’t perform well, I offered way too much advice after their games and matches. Thankfully, a book called Inside/Out Coach- ing, by Joe Ehrmann, made me realize I was a transactional par- ent who wanted my children to succeed because it made me feel good about myself. Instead, I needed to become a transformational parent that focused on helping my chil- dren develop and grow into the best version of themselves. It was never sup- posed to be about me. It was always supposed to be about them. In this spirit I want to share some tips with you and your junior golfer so you can avoid the mis- takes I’ve made and help your child perform at a higher level with more joy and passion, less fear and pressure. REMEMBER WHYYOU PLAY I remember talking to Jim Loehr, the world renowned sports psychologist, about my son who was struggling with negative thoughts as a junior tennis player. He said, “Jon, remember the purpose of tennis. It’s meant to make you a better human being.” In that moment everything became clear. It wasn’t about tennis, results or rankings. It was about life and learning to work hard, overcom- ing adversity, persevering with grit and becom- ing a leader who makes a positive impact on others. In the same way, the lessons you learn on the golf course are meant to help you devel- op character and become a better human being. FOCUS ONTHE ROOT, NOTTHE FRUIT We live in a world that loves to focus on the fruit of the tree: the outcome, scores, numbers and rankings. However, if we focus on the fruit and ignore the root, the tree dies. We must fo- cus on the root – the process, joy, passion, love and purpose for playing. Of course, we have to measure the fruit because scores matter. But just remember that it’s a byproduct of how well we are nurturing the root. PLAYTO WIN, BUTLETGO OFTHE OUTCOME Now you might think that I’m saying winning doesn’t matter, but this couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s normal to want to win. We were made to be competitive, to strive for greatness.But there’s a difference between wanting to win and needing to win. Wanting to win fuels passion. Needing to win adds pressure. A saying I often share with athletes is, “I want to win, but I let go of the outcome so I can be my best in the moment.” LOVE IT, DON’TFEAR IT I know an NFL kicker who was struggling during his second year. There was talk in the media that he might get cut, so I reached out to him. He told me he was thinking too much. So I said, “Tell me about your rookie season.” He responded, “I was loving kicking and liv- ing my dream of playing in the NFL. I was just going for it.” I work with a lot of professional sports teams and athletes, but I’m also a father of two teenagers. While I help athletes stay positive through challenges and adversity, it wasn’t always that way. In fact, my children almost quit their favorite sports because of me. When I asked him about the current year, he said, “I missed a few kicks during preseason. I don’t want to let the coach or the team down. I don’t want to get cut.” I reminded him to get back to loving kicking and loving the game. I told him that love casts out fear, so if you love it, you won’t fear it. He took that advice and had a great rest of the season. It’s a simple, powerful lesson for you as well. Love playing golf. If you love it, you won’t fear it. DON’TBELIEVETHE LIES Your fear and negative thoughts are not com- ing from you; they come from consciousness, popping up at the worst times. But just because you have a negative thought doesn’t mean you have to believe it. Recognize that fear is a liar. Don’t believe the lies. Know the truth…that you have everything you need inside you to be successful. No matter what thoughts pop into your head, you are capable of hitting a great shot. EMBRACETHE GROWTH PROCESS Growing is exciting, but it can also be painful. Failure is part of the growth process. You won’t always win every match. But, instead of see- ing failure as a definition, see it simply as an event. This is true for kids and parents alike. As you are experiencing these successes and, yes, failures, it should be a time to celebrate this growth. Once the young golfer and his or her family realize that failure is not meant to define the person, but to refine the potential within, everyone can enjoy the experience and become better for it. Jon Gordon is the author of The Energy Bus, Training Camp, The Positive Dog and many other books on leadership and teamwork. Visit www.JonGordon.com or connect with Jon on Twitter and Instragram @JonGordon11